Before another year of my life starts, it would be best to acknowledge the last year I had.

To the Lord God. I know how I've been so stubborn throughout my life and the last year I had was not a different one. A lot of times I ignore Your blessings and fail to recognize You in my life. And I can truly say that You are the Most Faithful of all because You have proven that it's not about how stubborn I am, nor how good I am, but it's about You as my God and my Father. Thank You, that hating my life makes You more generous in showing me how blessed I am, not with things, but with important people and memories and experiences that are actually filling up my life and honing me to be the person that You always wanted me to be.

To my family. We may not be whole anymore, but we have been strong in facing difficult situations that keep on happening to us. Encouragements and faith are those that keep us going on. There are times that I fail you. Times that I seem far away from you. Times that I can't reach out to you. But I will never leave you no matter what. I may have a lot of hurtaches but you are and will always be the home that I long to have.

To my friends. Certain times I neglect you. I fail to remember your own birthdays. I fail to give you gifts. I keep on "seen-zone-ing" you in chat. Maybe I'm the most boring friend you ever had. Incompatible to any of your interests. But I hope you believe me that I long to be with you. I long to know you, and to be updated on your lives. I maybe a failure because I'm not that good in words, but I care for you. It may not show. I maybe that someone whom you surprised but you only got the most disappointing reactions you will ever expect in a person. I still long to talk to you. To know if I'm still a friend to you. To know if you still remember me. To know if I'm part of one of your plans of a get-away. To know if you missed me too. I know I'm not easy to understand. But I want you to know that I also want to be with you. That there are times I need a friend, not to tell some problems, but to tell some of my weirdest and most boring thoughts I have in mind. Someone who will listen to my most nonsense ideas about life. But I thank you. For acknowledging me as your friend. For remembering that I'm one of them. Thank you for the love and concern that I fail to show you. Thank you.

I've never been the good person I wanted to be. I fail on my own goals. All the negativities discourage me. But life has been too good to me. And the most failure I ever had is to refuse to enjoy every single bit of it.
Another year will begin in my life. It would be best if I acknowledge the next days that I will have.

It's my birthday!

Growing old... Another year of my life has ended and another year is yet to start. There are a lot of things I realize maybe with just the last year I had.

I realized...

That it's not the things that you have that matters. It's the people. Those who care for you. Those who won't forget you even you don't communicate much. Who understands you even you don't say anything to them. That those people will get fewer and fewer as time goes by. And you just have to hold on and believe that you will not be left alone.

A lot of times I feel alone. A lot of times I cry and pray and ask why am I alone. But God really hears our prayers. No matter how many times I've been so stubborn, no matter how many times I call out to Him and ask the same questions, He does not fail to answer my prayers. He makes me see the blessings that I so stubbornly ignore.

I realized...

Time is always of the essence. ⌚ Life nowadays is changing and moving on so fast. There are a lot of things that I would love to do but I also have a lot of work to do at office. I keep on saying "I'll just do it when I have the time" but it turns out that I should make that "time" to happen.

I feel sad whenever my friends set for meet-ups and I refuse to go not because I don't want to but because it's either: I have work; I have other commitments; I want to rest. I always crave for time. To do whatever I want to do. To be with people who matters to me. To think over the happenings of my life. To analyze the problems I didn't even notice I've been having.

I realized...

That I've never been too good for the past years I had. That I've been doing the same things I vowed not to do anymore. That the promises that I made to myself were actually lost in the memories of happily living on my sins.

There are a lot of things about myself that I wanted to change. Thinking back on my past, they're just the same. I've been wanting to change the same things ever since. Yet here I am, struggling at the same changes I wanted to do to myself.

I realized...

That until now, I don't know who I am, what I want, and where I want to be. That I'm still searching in the dark without any signs that I am close to where I should be. And I'm hurting. I'm helpless. Where should I go? What should I do? Who am I?

As days go by, I'm hating myself and that hate grows and grows. Day by day. I'm losing the last esteem that I have. I wished to hold on. I wished to believe. But everything about me seems like a failure.

I realized...

That I have to be strong. To have faith. To hold on to that faith. To believe.

Analyzing how my life is now, I can say that I'm at my lowest point emotionally and mentally. Yeah. Mentally. I'm always prone to overthinking things that shouldn't be thought of. What a nice birthday, isn't it? But I hope to be better. Honestly, I don't know how. But I hope I would.

I'm starting to begin a new year of my life. I've been feeling old a lot lately. But I hope this feeling will help me instead of discouraging me. I desperately needed help, really. I don't know how to express this desperation and exhaustion and perhaps exaggeration I'm going through. A love life is not the answer, I know it. It's the happiness, my happiness is what I've been looking for.

Holding On

I hope I can manage to sustain this blogging thing. I don't really like writing at all. But it comforts me when at least I have the chance to express my thoughts on things I don't want to express to any other else. I guess I'll just let myself go through this without forcing myself to write.

First Love

Hearing the song "Swear It Again" by Westlife unexpectedly makes me feel nostalgic over and over again. Because of my First Love. It's cheesy yes. Having a first love and not being able to move on. It's not that I want to justify that first love never dies. There are just a lot of things I regret. A lot of things I wish I did and didn't do. I can never bring back the time. But will I ever get the chance to make it right?

Devotions

How many devotions do I have to read before I become a follower of Christ? I read everyday, yes. But not all the time. I read when I'm on my way to work while riding a bus. Because that's the only time that I'm doing nothing. But at weekends, or when I have no work, I don't even bother to read them. I still have other devotional materials but I haven't read them yet. I'm making myself a fool stocking devotional books and applications but not even living with any of the insights and reflections they have been showing me. Yes, I agree with the writers. I'm overwhelmed with the verses. I'm amazed at how God works in other's lives. And I want to experience them too. But how will God ever let His way in me if I don't even show any kind of faithfulness in Him? And how do I be faithful? Will I ever be?

Mood Swings

How does mood swings affect my day? Very much. As if my day depended on it. As if no one will ever understand it, not even I. Just like today. I just wanted to shut my mouth today and hope that no crack a joke on me, nor talk lively to me, nor ask if I'm okay or what happened to me. It's just that. Nothing or no one made me like this. It's just how my mood today is. But then I've been thinking, for how long will I be like this? Maybe a little later, I'll be as noisy as no one could handle again. Maybe tomorrow when I got the chance to reflect again on my life. Yeah right mood swings. Even I can't understand myself.

Random Thoughts

I've been away from my blog since I don't bring any Wi-Fi connection with me. It'll only distract me from my work and perhaps I will not be able to control my own emotions while blogging. So my next posts are all my reflections perhaps while I'm riding a bus, or while I'm at a break. At least I still get the chance to release my thoughts through writing.

Doing it wrong again

I've been doing things lately to work out on how I can get to be spiritually attached to God. Well, actually, I just read some devotions just to relate myself on having strong faith to the Lord. Yet here I am. It's a weekend. But I didn't even tried to read the devotion for the day. Why? Well the only person to ask about that is me since I'm the one reading it. It's my choice. But why do I feel so guilty for not reading it? And worse, I keep on doing the wrong things a true Christian should not be doing. I wonder if God is tired of me. I keep on going back to Him yet I also keep on turning back. I've read in the bible that God knows that men's ways are wicked. HE KNOWS THAT MEN ARE NATURALLY EVIL 😈... Yet He is always faithful. Forgiving our sins no matter how small or how big it is. That His love is unending. But I feel shameful. i never know if I can be as faithful as He is. I never was. I always wanted to make my path right. But I keep on doing the wrong thing. And it's always a big deal for me to sustain whatever i started.

I'm getting s sleepy now. Thanks for the time