It's my birthday!

Growing old... Another year of my life has ended and another year is yet to start. There are a lot of things I realize maybe with just the last year I had.

I realized...

That it's not the things that you have that matters. It's the people. Those who care for you. Those who won't forget you even you don't communicate much. Who understands you even you don't say anything to them. That those people will get fewer and fewer as time goes by. And you just have to hold on and believe that you will not be left alone.

A lot of times I feel alone. A lot of times I cry and pray and ask why am I alone. But God really hears our prayers. No matter how many times I've been so stubborn, no matter how many times I call out to Him and ask the same questions, He does not fail to answer my prayers. He makes me see the blessings that I so stubbornly ignore.

I realized...

Time is always of the essence. ⌚ Life nowadays is changing and moving on so fast. There are a lot of things that I would love to do but I also have a lot of work to do at office. I keep on saying "I'll just do it when I have the time" but it turns out that I should make that "time" to happen.

I feel sad whenever my friends set for meet-ups and I refuse to go not because I don't want to but because it's either: I have work; I have other commitments; I want to rest. I always crave for time. To do whatever I want to do. To be with people who matters to me. To think over the happenings of my life. To analyze the problems I didn't even notice I've been having.

I realized...

That I've never been too good for the past years I had. That I've been doing the same things I vowed not to do anymore. That the promises that I made to myself were actually lost in the memories of happily living on my sins.

There are a lot of things about myself that I wanted to change. Thinking back on my past, they're just the same. I've been wanting to change the same things ever since. Yet here I am, struggling at the same changes I wanted to do to myself.

I realized...

That until now, I don't know who I am, what I want, and where I want to be. That I'm still searching in the dark without any signs that I am close to where I should be. And I'm hurting. I'm helpless. Where should I go? What should I do? Who am I?

As days go by, I'm hating myself and that hate grows and grows. Day by day. I'm losing the last esteem that I have. I wished to hold on. I wished to believe. But everything about me seems like a failure.

I realized...

That I have to be strong. To have faith. To hold on to that faith. To believe.

Analyzing how my life is now, I can say that I'm at my lowest point emotionally and mentally. Yeah. Mentally. I'm always prone to overthinking things that shouldn't be thought of. What a nice birthday, isn't it? But I hope to be better. Honestly, I don't know how. But I hope I would.

I'm starting to begin a new year of my life. I've been feeling old a lot lately. But I hope this feeling will help me instead of discouraging me. I desperately needed help, really. I don't know how to express this desperation and exhaustion and perhaps exaggeration I'm going through. A love life is not the answer, I know it. It's the happiness, my happiness is what I've been looking for.