Maybe it's just because of the Father's Day heist or maybe because of the situation that we have, but I am writing this to you to tell you more or less of everything that I don't tell you. I don't really intend to send you this. And I don't even know if you will ever read this since you don't know anything about blogs.
I want you to know that I love you. I really do. But I was not raised as a showy person. I am used to keeping my thoughts from you and only telling it to people who don't actually understand what I'm going through. I love you because you are my father. But forgive me because I don't know how a love should be expressed. Honestly speaking, if I were to choose, I would choose Mama over you. Not because it's a lie that I love you but because I don't know you.
I grew without knowing I had a father. I just know that I have a father. But I don't know what father means. I even grew not really feeling a parent's love because Mama had to work before and I only see her at night and on weekends, I really don't remember it anymore. When you came, you were a complete stranger to me. And it was confusing for me that a stranger will suddenly come and manipulate my life. I was just a kid. All I know is that you are older than me and I have to follow your instructions. And you have a lot of instructions that I don't understand why it should be done. If I would flash back to that, I can say now that most of them are very unreasonable, which until now I do not understand why you have to say that.
Our life when you came is not really easy. We were poor. Poorer than the life I had lived. I used to feel you and Mama fighting over money, or over anything or over no sense at all. We lived a simpler life but you wanted more. And as time goes by, you became more unreasonable to me and Kuya. Did you know that I felt like I never lived a kid's life? I was never taught to mingle with other kids. I was never taught how to create friendship. All you cared about is that I should study. I honestly don't know what happened but I lost interest in studying. I think it started in Grade 3. And if I will remember, that's the beginning of the worst times of my life, with you. You are always angry at me. I never felt understood. I am always at the wrong side. Did you know that I never felt I have done anything right? Even until now. I see you as the worst father of all. I hated you so much. I never excelled in any aspects of my life, I don't know why. Is it because I was a rebel? Because I had a father like you?
We grew up, you telling us, reminding us that what you tell us is for our good. But honestly, I cannot see the good part. All we know is you always make us the wrong one, and you were only the right one. I never liked it when you were the one to join me in my graduation in elementary.
When high school came, when you told us that your application to Bahrain was successful, did you know that I was very happy? Because I will be free again. Free from you. But life in elementary impacted a lot in me and resulted with me having a poor attitude in personality and in studies. I cannot keep up with lessons, I cannot keep up with people. I fell in love with different wrong persons. That's how I lived my freedom.
Then college came. I remember you talking to me about getting into college, that you don't want me to go to Manila. I really can't remember the reason. But I guess it's because you cannot afford. But it's alright with me. I also don't think that I can handle and live on my own. That's the first time I felt that I had a father. Because you talked me over about something important in my life. And it was the start that you were being a soft-heartened person than before. With the help of Mama, I understood you for the first time. But I will admit that it was already hard for me to adjust. I don't know how I will treat you. I don't know how I should talk to you. I don't know how I should tell you about things.
I tried, maybe not my best, to try to get what you want in movies, what you want in an event, but I've been too self-dependent that I don't know how to interact. I hope you notice that it's not only with you but with other people also. And I get disappointed when, if I tell you story about me, instead of listening you will just tell me the right thing to do, and even make sermons to me. And if I tried to get you to watch movies I like, you will sleep throughout. When I try to tell my opinion, you will debate with me. I don't know if your reactions are wrong or maybe I just expected too much but it didn't help me get closer to you. That's why most of the time that I am with you, I'm either quiet or defensive.
We both have our mistakes Papa. I'm really sorry about that, and I won't reason out just to defend myself. I am just hoping you would too. But you say sorry then defend yourself. Pa, you never knew me. You never knew your children. You never knew us. The love that I have for you is not enough for me to understand you.
You've been a good provider to us Pa. We definitely felt it. But I hope you know that being a good provider isn't the only grounds that you are a good father. As I look back in my childhood days, I understood that what I was looking for was that you, trying to win our hearts and make yourself known as our father. Not just as our provider.
I know, Mama had a lot of mistakes. She didn't meet your expectations while you were working abroad. But as we have forgave you when you said sorry to us, I hope you do the same to her. I've already dump every bad memories of you because you said sorry especially at the time that Kuya went away. But with what you're doing, everything came back. And I don't want to see you as that "worst" father that I've known before.
Honestly, I don't know if I want to blame you. But there was a quote that I know saying that everything we do is our choice. So basically, I really cannot blame you if this is what I've become. A hopeless and a helpless woman. I never got your strategic ability in life. I never got your charisma to people. I was never taught at that. But if I will look back to the quote, it's not your fault but mine.
Pa, please don't expect anything from me. I was never taught to speak up my thoughts. I was never taught how to talk to you. It will now be awkward to me to do something that I don't do before. But please don't make it a reason to make our family broken. We are already broken. Don't blame us for doing something wrong because we don't blame you when we do something wrong.
I'm sorry if I am not what you expected. I am sorry if you didn't get the retirement that you were planning. I am sorry if you still have to support a partner because your daughter isn't earning enough. I am sorry for being a failure. In behalf of Mama, we are sorry that you weren't living the life you've dreamed of.
But please help us also to re-build our family. Life has changed for all of us now that I'm the only one left working. But it will be better if we're all together. I don't expect you to change how you converse with me. I only want you to be closer to us.
Papa, I love our family even though I don't show it, even though I don't say it. I hope you understand us too.
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