Pre-matured

Yes, I think it is still pre-mature to celebrate and be happy about it. But I am thankful Lord that it was still given to me. I've been claiming it for sometime but I still have doubts because of the given circumstances. And I thank You Lord that this promotion is still given to me.

Lord, though I asked for this, I have fear about the responsibility I am going to make. Part of it is guilt because I always complain to my SV's before. And I don't want the people under me to feel the same way that I did. I don't want to be just like how I see them. I am afraid that I can't accomplish the tasks that are waiting for me. I don't even know how to lead people. I've been there a lot of times and I proved to be disappointing in terms of leadership. I never knew the proper way of teaching, or turning over of tasks. I'm afraid that the people who believed in me will just be disappointed or regret that they have promoted me. I'm afraid that my friends don't see me as a deserving person in this position. I really am afraid Lord.

I am also afraid that I will be wicked while I am in this position. Knowing the nature of my heart, I'm afraid that there is a chance of being boastful of what I have. I've proven it a lot of times and I've proven it again today. I know Ma'am Rosella was disappointed of my reaction when I saw the memo for GSA. I won't reason about it for I knew, it was the wickedness of my heart that led me to react like that.

But I still want to give my best. I've been waiting for this for so long. At least to be proud that I made it at my age, since I have a lot of competition everywhere. Lord, I want to give what is best in me and hopefully to be better than what I am at present. To continue in growing and to be more matured professionally. That's why just like Solomon ask of You Lord, "Give to Your servant an understanding heart to judge Your people, that I may discern between good and evil." I may not always be contented. But Lord, I know to myself that I don't crave for power or position or authority. I only want to receive what I think is deserved of me but not those things that I know I can never handle. So I ask for Your guidance Lord. That I may be able to do the responsibilities of this position based on what is good to Your eyes, and not based on what is authorized of me. I pray Lord to replace the fear that I have with an understanding heart and to be a matured employee. I pray Lord that I will be a LEADER to my team and not a BOSS. That I may lead them to giving their best and to help them improve their abilities and skills. Guide me Lord in my temper, in the words that I will say, and give me courage to face this responsibility that I now have.

All of this Lord I pray through the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ, our Savior.

Amen.

A Letter To My Father

Maybe it's just because of the Father's Day heist or maybe because of the situation that we have, but I am writing this to you to tell you more or less of everything that I don't tell you. I don't really intend to send you this. And I don't even know if you will ever read this since you don't know anything about blogs.

I want you to know that I love you. I really do. But I was not raised as a showy person. I am used to keeping my thoughts from you and only telling it to people who don't actually understand what I'm going through. I love you because you are my father. But forgive me because I don't know how a love should be expressed. Honestly speaking, if I were to choose, I would choose Mama over you. Not because it's a lie that I love you but because I don't know you.

I grew without knowing I had a father. I just know that I have a father. But I don't know what father means. I even grew not really feeling a parent's love because Mama had to work before and I only see her at night and on weekends, I really don't remember it anymore. When you came, you were a complete stranger to me. And it was confusing for me that a stranger will suddenly come and manipulate my life. I was just a kid. All I know is that you are older than me and I have to follow your instructions. And you have a lot of instructions that I don't understand why it should be done. If I would flash back to that, I can say now that most of them are very unreasonable, which until now I do not understand why you have to say that.

Our life when you came is not really easy. We were poor. Poorer than the life I had lived. I used to feel you and Mama fighting over money, or over anything or over no sense at all. We lived a simpler life but you wanted more. And as time goes by, you became more unreasonable to me and Kuya. Did you know that I felt like I never lived a kid's life? I was never taught to mingle with other kids. I was never taught how to create friendship. All you cared about is that I should study. I honestly don't know what happened but I lost interest in studying. I think it started in Grade 3. And if I will remember, that's the beginning of the worst times of my life, with you. You are always angry at me. I never felt understood. I am always at the wrong side. Did you know that I never felt I have done anything right? Even until now. I see you as the worst father of all. I hated you so much. I never excelled in any aspects of my life, I don't know why. Is it because I was a rebel? Because I had a father like you?

We grew up, you telling us, reminding us that what you tell us is for our good. But honestly, I cannot see the good part. All we know is you always make us the wrong one, and you were only the right one. I never liked it when you were the one to join me in my graduation in elementary.

When high school came, when you told us that your application to Bahrain was successful, did you know that I was very happy? Because I will be free again. Free from you. But life in elementary impacted a lot in me and resulted with me having a poor attitude in personality and in studies. I cannot keep up with lessons, I cannot keep up with people. I fell in love with different wrong persons. That's how I lived my freedom.

Then college came. I remember you talking to me about getting into college, that you don't want me to go to Manila. I really can't remember the reason. But I guess it's because you cannot afford. But it's alright with me. I also don't think that I can handle and live on my own. That's the first time I felt that I had a father. Because you talked me over about something important in my life. And it was the start that you were being a soft-heartened person than before. With the help of Mama, I understood you for the first time. But I will admit that it was already hard for me to adjust. I don't know how I will treat you. I don't know how I should talk to you. I don't know how I should tell you about things.

I tried, maybe not my best, to try to get what you want in movies, what you want in an event, but I've been too self-dependent that I don't know how to interact. I hope you notice that it's not only with you but with other people also. And I get disappointed when, if I tell you story about me, instead of listening you will just tell me the right thing to do, and even make sermons to me. And if I tried to get you to watch movies I like, you will sleep throughout. When I try to tell my opinion, you will debate with me. I don't know if your reactions are wrong or maybe I just expected too much but it didn't help me get closer to you. That's why most of the time that I am with you, I'm either quiet or defensive.

We both have our mistakes Papa. I'm really sorry about that, and I won't reason out just to defend myself. I am just hoping you would too. But you say sorry then defend yourself. Pa, you never knew me. You never knew your children. You never knew us. The love that I have for you is not enough for me to understand you.

You've been a good provider to us Pa. We definitely felt it. But I hope you know that being a good provider isn't the only grounds that you are a good father. As I look back in my childhood days, I understood that what I was looking for was that you, trying to win our hearts and make yourself known as our father. Not just as our provider.

I know, Mama had a lot of mistakes. She didn't meet your expectations while you were working abroad. But as we have forgave you when you said sorry to us, I hope you do the same to her. I've already dump every bad memories of you because you said sorry especially at the time that Kuya went away. But with what you're doing, everything came back. And I don't want to see you as that "worst" father that I've known before.

Honestly, I don't know if I want to blame you. But there was a quote that I know saying that everything we do is our choice. So basically, I really cannot blame you if this is what I've become. A hopeless and a helpless woman. I never got your strategic ability in life. I never got your charisma to people. I was never taught at that. But if I will look back to the quote, it's not your fault but mine.

Pa, please don't expect anything from me. I was never taught to speak up my thoughts. I was never taught how to talk to you. It will now be awkward to me to do something that I don't do before. But please don't make it a reason to make our family broken. We are already broken. Don't blame us for doing something wrong because we don't blame you when we do something wrong.

I'm sorry if I am not what you expected. I am sorry if you didn't get the retirement that you were planning. I am sorry if you still have to support a partner because your daughter isn't earning enough. I am sorry for being a failure. In behalf of Mama, we are sorry that you weren't living the life you've dreamed of.

But please help us also to re-build our family. Life has changed for all of us now that I'm the only one left working. But it will be better if we're all together. I don't expect you to change how you converse with me. I only want you to be closer to us.

Papa, I love our family even though I don't show it, even though I don't say it. I hope you understand us too.

Random Before Sleeping Thoughts

Done catching up with DTBY episodes and my heart really felt lighter. :)

It may be "corny" or "cheesy" to others, but until now, I still get affected with MaiDen (I actually prefer to call them MaiChard rather than that or AlDubbut for showbusiness' sake, k dot.) It still fresh in my memories how they met and how they came up to be together. And the best thing, I think, is that they make me believe in destiny over and over again. So stupid, ayt?

I've been through a lot of heartaches because of being so easy to fall. I know I haven't experienced everything about relationships but my experiences makes me feel like I've been through a lot. If others will experience what I've been through, I think, they might get tired. But how is it that I still have my hopes up that there is someone meant for me? Yes, I'm feeling tired already, but hope is still there. I guess that's what's hope got to do. To be just there.

What are my hopes? I hope that I meet the one meant for me, sooner. I hope for the "right time" comes, sooner. I hope that he will be loving like how I see it from other people. Not from the movies. Because movies are just fiction. And I've know people who actually are better than the love stories in the movies. I hope that my hopes don't get nowhere.

I'm waiting for him. I have so much love to give. And I'm still giving it to the wrong person. I still give it to those who do not want to receive it. It hurts. It really hurts. Yet, there are times when I think, is it really that I want to give this love, or is it just I'm in love with the idea of love? I'm looking for it because I want to experience it.

Well, what a day! My eyes are already heavy, probably begging for me to stop typing because no one actually will ever read this. Or maybe, it's just tired like me because all day, he has been awake. So I gotta go to sleep and start to be motivational tomorrow morning. K. Dot. Fine.

Can't resist :)

Every end of the year, people tend to recall every memories for the past year of their lives. Great and bad. Which may be the result of having New Year's resolution every start of the year. But one thing I realized for this year, is that we can lose our faith, our belief, our trust, but we can never lose HOPE. (I cannot say "learned" because I have known it already, I just don't notice it.) No matter how negative or positive every circumstances may be, we will always wake up with that spark of HOPE to start the day with. So I will end the year with the HOPE that 2017 will be a better year than what I've had for 2016.I will continue to HOPE that 2017 has greater opportunities to offer to me. Happy New Year to myself perhaps? :)

Bye 2016!

If 2016 was a person and he would be asking you, "How was your year?", what would you say?

Well, 2016, this is for you.

You've been great to me by giving me blessings I never asked.

First, a person, who I can say, I could never meet another one like him. He was really a kind-hearted, selfless, one of a kind kid that you will feel truly blessed just having the chance to have a friend like him. I can't say that I was happy all throughout the time I am with him but I can't deny the fact that I had a great time just being with him. My year had really been full of silliness because of him, but I don't regret it. A crush that should never be. :)

Next, friendship. All my life, I struggle much on searching for the real meaning of friendship. I used to be a loner. I always feel out of place within a group. I tend to stay away when I feel like I can't relate to people anymore. Yet, you have been good to me. I realized that I have too much negativity in my mind that I neglect the care and concern that people give to me. I think too much of my pathetic self without realizing that people around me are affected too, and that they too are concerned, because they are my friends. I really didn't think that they love me, because I thought that I can never be loved the way a friend could. But here I am, believing in them, enjoying the time I get to have with them, trusting them, and feeling blessed to have them. :)

Next, strength, emotionally. Going through the several heartaches about love and friendship, such strength builds up inside me. I realized that not all people will be there for me. That I shouldn't beg for attention. That I shouldn't beg for importance. That I am also worthy of those things, and that people who see me as worthy for those will be there for me, even if I don't ask for it. That it's better if they show it unexpectedly than trying to make them do it. It sounded bitter, yeah, but it just helps on giving myself some respect. I worry too much of what people will think of me that I try to blend with them, and expecting them to appreciate me. Forgetting that I don't have to please everyone. It's only now that I really understand that fewer friends are better at least they are the REAL ones. Than too many friends, but you're just someone to them. If I tried my best to be a friend to them, but they don't seem to notice, maybe I have to step back and leave it. :)

Well, those are the good ones. Unfortunately, I have one, just one negative thing that maybe affected me so much in relation to what I just said. Faith. I lost faith in your year, 2016. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in people around me, faith in my family. I lost faith when it seems like I should be having it. I lost faith that God is there for me. I lost faith that I will find happiness this year. I lost faith that He hears my prayers. I lost faith that He's just giving me what I deserve. I'm too frustrated in Love, Friendship and Trust that I lost faith in Him. Maybe I'm just not a good Christian, that's why. I tried to. I just don't know what else is wrong. He said I should seek for Him with all my heart, I tried. All that's left are questions. Questions that are unanswered. Until now. They are still unanswered. Same questions. Still unanswered. I've been asking those questions for a long time. Not only for this year. I think almost every year. Yet there are no answers. It's really frustrating, isn't it?

Now, 2016, you're about to go. You left me memories that can never be taken away. I can say that I will end your year hopeless. Because I am, and will be, the same pessimistic person I've always been. Never finding the essence of real happiness in life. Still I thank you. Because I get to live in your year. I still got the chance to see how you will leave. I just wish that watching you leave is as easy as watching a person close to you leave. One thing I ask for, please ask 2017 to give me more hope and strength in his year. I may end his year the same as how I end yours, but I'm still hoping to find myself more in his year. I'm still hoping to find what will really make me happy. I'm still hoping for a better me. Funny isn't it? I lost faith, but I still have hope. :)

Welcome 2017!

Trust

One of the most delicate factor in a relationship is what we called "TRUST". It is something that someone should treasure, and when lost, it's something that you can never get back. But sometimes, you tend to give your trust to someone or some people who's not even asking it from you. You just freely give it away. Because you felt like it's something that you should do. Trust him. Trust them. Just trust that they will be there for you. Just trust that they will understand you. Just trust that somehow, they will also share part of their time, or of their life to you. Just trust that, they too, have the same affection that you show to them.

But what if, since they did not ask for it, they won't care about it? What if, it won't matter to them, whatever amount of trust you give them? It won't matter to them if you care for them. It won't matter to them if you see them as a friend?

Such indifference will then give you frustration and then later on, you will decide to act as if you also don't care about them. Later on, you will have some plans of acting the same indifference that they show you.

Then you will realize that you trusted too much. Too much that you have forgotten the difference of real friendship and just being nice to people. That's what trust do to some people.

Frustration

Frustration is like the one I am feeling right now. I planned for a simple party at our house, expecting some of my office mates to come. Or maybe just some of those I may call "real friends". Yet here they are, no one answers my messages. It's so frustrating to think that we can no longer be a whole group in our section. We are all different now. Yet all I can do is to act as if nothing's wrong, or that I don't care about it, or that it doesn't matter to me. Now, I felt like I lost my interest in them. Now I realized how few my real friends are. Now I realize more of who will be there for me. Now I realize that I won't have to believe in anything anyone will say. Coz they're just words. Empty words. I can never trust it. I should never believe in it.