Can't resist :)

Every end of the year, people tend to recall every memories for the past year of their lives. Great and bad. Which may be the result of having New Year's resolution every start of the year. But one thing I realized for this year, is that we can lose our faith, our belief, our trust, but we can never lose HOPE. (I cannot say "learned" because I have known it already, I just don't notice it.) No matter how negative or positive every circumstances may be, we will always wake up with that spark of HOPE to start the day with. So I will end the year with the HOPE that 2017 will be a better year than what I've had for 2016.I will continue to HOPE that 2017 has greater opportunities to offer to me. Happy New Year to myself perhaps? :)

Bye 2016!

If 2016 was a person and he would be asking you, "How was your year?", what would you say?

Well, 2016, this is for you.

You've been great to me by giving me blessings I never asked.

First, a person, who I can say, I could never meet another one like him. He was really a kind-hearted, selfless, one of a kind kid that you will feel truly blessed just having the chance to have a friend like him. I can't say that I was happy all throughout the time I am with him but I can't deny the fact that I had a great time just being with him. My year had really been full of silliness because of him, but I don't regret it. A crush that should never be. :)

Next, friendship. All my life, I struggle much on searching for the real meaning of friendship. I used to be a loner. I always feel out of place within a group. I tend to stay away when I feel like I can't relate to people anymore. Yet, you have been good to me. I realized that I have too much negativity in my mind that I neglect the care and concern that people give to me. I think too much of my pathetic self without realizing that people around me are affected too, and that they too are concerned, because they are my friends. I really didn't think that they love me, because I thought that I can never be loved the way a friend could. But here I am, believing in them, enjoying the time I get to have with them, trusting them, and feeling blessed to have them. :)

Next, strength, emotionally. Going through the several heartaches about love and friendship, such strength builds up inside me. I realized that not all people will be there for me. That I shouldn't beg for attention. That I shouldn't beg for importance. That I am also worthy of those things, and that people who see me as worthy for those will be there for me, even if I don't ask for it. That it's better if they show it unexpectedly than trying to make them do it. It sounded bitter, yeah, but it just helps on giving myself some respect. I worry too much of what people will think of me that I try to blend with them, and expecting them to appreciate me. Forgetting that I don't have to please everyone. It's only now that I really understand that fewer friends are better at least they are the REAL ones. Than too many friends, but you're just someone to them. If I tried my best to be a friend to them, but they don't seem to notice, maybe I have to step back and leave it. :)

Well, those are the good ones. Unfortunately, I have one, just one negative thing that maybe affected me so much in relation to what I just said. Faith. I lost faith in your year, 2016. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in people around me, faith in my family. I lost faith when it seems like I should be having it. I lost faith that God is there for me. I lost faith that I will find happiness this year. I lost faith that He hears my prayers. I lost faith that He's just giving me what I deserve. I'm too frustrated in Love, Friendship and Trust that I lost faith in Him. Maybe I'm just not a good Christian, that's why. I tried to. I just don't know what else is wrong. He said I should seek for Him with all my heart, I tried. All that's left are questions. Questions that are unanswered. Until now. They are still unanswered. Same questions. Still unanswered. I've been asking those questions for a long time. Not only for this year. I think almost every year. Yet there are no answers. It's really frustrating, isn't it?

Now, 2016, you're about to go. You left me memories that can never be taken away. I can say that I will end your year hopeless. Because I am, and will be, the same pessimistic person I've always been. Never finding the essence of real happiness in life. Still I thank you. Because I get to live in your year. I still got the chance to see how you will leave. I just wish that watching you leave is as easy as watching a person close to you leave. One thing I ask for, please ask 2017 to give me more hope and strength in his year. I may end his year the same as how I end yours, but I'm still hoping to find myself more in his year. I'm still hoping to find what will really make me happy. I'm still hoping for a better me. Funny isn't it? I lost faith, but I still have hope. :)

Welcome 2017!

Trust

One of the most delicate factor in a relationship is what we called "TRUST". It is something that someone should treasure, and when lost, it's something that you can never get back. But sometimes, you tend to give your trust to someone or some people who's not even asking it from you. You just freely give it away. Because you felt like it's something that you should do. Trust him. Trust them. Just trust that they will be there for you. Just trust that they will understand you. Just trust that somehow, they will also share part of their time, or of their life to you. Just trust that, they too, have the same affection that you show to them.

But what if, since they did not ask for it, they won't care about it? What if, it won't matter to them, whatever amount of trust you give them? It won't matter to them if you care for them. It won't matter to them if you see them as a friend?

Such indifference will then give you frustration and then later on, you will decide to act as if you also don't care about them. Later on, you will have some plans of acting the same indifference that they show you.

Then you will realize that you trusted too much. Too much that you have forgotten the difference of real friendship and just being nice to people. That's what trust do to some people.

Frustration

Frustration is like the one I am feeling right now. I planned for a simple party at our house, expecting some of my office mates to come. Or maybe just some of those I may call "real friends". Yet here they are, no one answers my messages. It's so frustrating to think that we can no longer be a whole group in our section. We are all different now. Yet all I can do is to act as if nothing's wrong, or that I don't care about it, or that it doesn't matter to me. Now, I felt like I lost my interest in them. Now I realized how few my real friends are. Now I realize more of who will be there for me. Now I realize that I won't have to believe in anything anyone will say. Coz they're just words. Empty words. I can never trust it. I should never believe in it.

Before another year of my life starts, it would be best to acknowledge the last year I had.

To the Lord God. I know how I've been so stubborn throughout my life and the last year I had was not a different one. A lot of times I ignore Your blessings and fail to recognize You in my life. And I can truly say that You are the Most Faithful of all because You have proven that it's not about how stubborn I am, nor how good I am, but it's about You as my God and my Father. Thank You, that hating my life makes You more generous in showing me how blessed I am, not with things, but with important people and memories and experiences that are actually filling up my life and honing me to be the person that You always wanted me to be.

To my family. We may not be whole anymore, but we have been strong in facing difficult situations that keep on happening to us. Encouragements and faith are those that keep us going on. There are times that I fail you. Times that I seem far away from you. Times that I can't reach out to you. But I will never leave you no matter what. I may have a lot of hurtaches but you are and will always be the home that I long to have.

To my friends. Certain times I neglect you. I fail to remember your own birthdays. I fail to give you gifts. I keep on "seen-zone-ing" you in chat. Maybe I'm the most boring friend you ever had. Incompatible to any of your interests. But I hope you believe me that I long to be with you. I long to know you, and to be updated on your lives. I maybe a failure because I'm not that good in words, but I care for you. It may not show. I maybe that someone whom you surprised but you only got the most disappointing reactions you will ever expect in a person. I still long to talk to you. To know if I'm still a friend to you. To know if you still remember me. To know if I'm part of one of your plans of a get-away. To know if you missed me too. I know I'm not easy to understand. But I want you to know that I also want to be with you. That there are times I need a friend, not to tell some problems, but to tell some of my weirdest and most boring thoughts I have in mind. Someone who will listen to my most nonsense ideas about life. But I thank you. For acknowledging me as your friend. For remembering that I'm one of them. Thank you for the love and concern that I fail to show you. Thank you.

I've never been the good person I wanted to be. I fail on my own goals. All the negativities discourage me. But life has been too good to me. And the most failure I ever had is to refuse to enjoy every single bit of it.
Another year will begin in my life. It would be best if I acknowledge the next days that I will have.

It's my birthday!

Growing old... Another year of my life has ended and another year is yet to start. There are a lot of things I realize maybe with just the last year I had.

I realized...

That it's not the things that you have that matters. It's the people. Those who care for you. Those who won't forget you even you don't communicate much. Who understands you even you don't say anything to them. That those people will get fewer and fewer as time goes by. And you just have to hold on and believe that you will not be left alone.

A lot of times I feel alone. A lot of times I cry and pray and ask why am I alone. But God really hears our prayers. No matter how many times I've been so stubborn, no matter how many times I call out to Him and ask the same questions, He does not fail to answer my prayers. He makes me see the blessings that I so stubbornly ignore.

I realized...

Time is always of the essence. ⌚ Life nowadays is changing and moving on so fast. There are a lot of things that I would love to do but I also have a lot of work to do at office. I keep on saying "I'll just do it when I have the time" but it turns out that I should make that "time" to happen.

I feel sad whenever my friends set for meet-ups and I refuse to go not because I don't want to but because it's either: I have work; I have other commitments; I want to rest. I always crave for time. To do whatever I want to do. To be with people who matters to me. To think over the happenings of my life. To analyze the problems I didn't even notice I've been having.

I realized...

That I've never been too good for the past years I had. That I've been doing the same things I vowed not to do anymore. That the promises that I made to myself were actually lost in the memories of happily living on my sins.

There are a lot of things about myself that I wanted to change. Thinking back on my past, they're just the same. I've been wanting to change the same things ever since. Yet here I am, struggling at the same changes I wanted to do to myself.

I realized...

That until now, I don't know who I am, what I want, and where I want to be. That I'm still searching in the dark without any signs that I am close to where I should be. And I'm hurting. I'm helpless. Where should I go? What should I do? Who am I?

As days go by, I'm hating myself and that hate grows and grows. Day by day. I'm losing the last esteem that I have. I wished to hold on. I wished to believe. But everything about me seems like a failure.

I realized...

That I have to be strong. To have faith. To hold on to that faith. To believe.

Analyzing how my life is now, I can say that I'm at my lowest point emotionally and mentally. Yeah. Mentally. I'm always prone to overthinking things that shouldn't be thought of. What a nice birthday, isn't it? But I hope to be better. Honestly, I don't know how. But I hope I would.

I'm starting to begin a new year of my life. I've been feeling old a lot lately. But I hope this feeling will help me instead of discouraging me. I desperately needed help, really. I don't know how to express this desperation and exhaustion and perhaps exaggeration I'm going through. A love life is not the answer, I know it. It's the happiness, my happiness is what I've been looking for.

Holding On

I hope I can manage to sustain this blogging thing. I don't really like writing at all. But it comforts me when at least I have the chance to express my thoughts on things I don't want to express to any other else. I guess I'll just let myself go through this without forcing myself to write.

First Love

Hearing the song "Swear It Again" by Westlife unexpectedly makes me feel nostalgic over and over again. Because of my First Love. It's cheesy yes. Having a first love and not being able to move on. It's not that I want to justify that first love never dies. There are just a lot of things I regret. A lot of things I wish I did and didn't do. I can never bring back the time. But will I ever get the chance to make it right?

Devotions

How many devotions do I have to read before I become a follower of Christ? I read everyday, yes. But not all the time. I read when I'm on my way to work while riding a bus. Because that's the only time that I'm doing nothing. But at weekends, or when I have no work, I don't even bother to read them. I still have other devotional materials but I haven't read them yet. I'm making myself a fool stocking devotional books and applications but not even living with any of the insights and reflections they have been showing me. Yes, I agree with the writers. I'm overwhelmed with the verses. I'm amazed at how God works in other's lives. And I want to experience them too. But how will God ever let His way in me if I don't even show any kind of faithfulness in Him? And how do I be faithful? Will I ever be?

Mood Swings

How does mood swings affect my day? Very much. As if my day depended on it. As if no one will ever understand it, not even I. Just like today. I just wanted to shut my mouth today and hope that no crack a joke on me, nor talk lively to me, nor ask if I'm okay or what happened to me. It's just that. Nothing or no one made me like this. It's just how my mood today is. But then I've been thinking, for how long will I be like this? Maybe a little later, I'll be as noisy as no one could handle again. Maybe tomorrow when I got the chance to reflect again on my life. Yeah right mood swings. Even I can't understand myself.

Random Thoughts

I've been away from my blog since I don't bring any Wi-Fi connection with me. It'll only distract me from my work and perhaps I will not be able to control my own emotions while blogging. So my next posts are all my reflections perhaps while I'm riding a bus, or while I'm at a break. At least I still get the chance to release my thoughts through writing.

Doing it wrong again

I've been doing things lately to work out on how I can get to be spiritually attached to God. Well, actually, I just read some devotions just to relate myself on having strong faith to the Lord. Yet here I am. It's a weekend. But I didn't even tried to read the devotion for the day. Why? Well the only person to ask about that is me since I'm the one reading it. It's my choice. But why do I feel so guilty for not reading it? And worse, I keep on doing the wrong things a true Christian should not be doing. I wonder if God is tired of me. I keep on going back to Him yet I also keep on turning back. I've read in the bible that God knows that men's ways are wicked. HE KNOWS THAT MEN ARE NATURALLY EVIL 😈... Yet He is always faithful. Forgiving our sins no matter how small or how big it is. That His love is unending. But I feel shameful. i never know if I can be as faithful as He is. I never was. I always wanted to make my path right. But I keep on doing the wrong thing. And it's always a big deal for me to sustain whatever i started.

I'm getting s sleepy now. Thanks for the time