Can't resist :)

Every end of the year, people tend to recall every memories for the past year of their lives. Great and bad. Which may be the result of having New Year's resolution every start of the year. But one thing I realized for this year, is that we can lose our faith, our belief, our trust, but we can never lose HOPE. (I cannot say "learned" because I have known it already, I just don't notice it.) No matter how negative or positive every circumstances may be, we will always wake up with that spark of HOPE to start the day with. So I will end the year with the HOPE that 2017 will be a better year than what I've had for 2016.I will continue to HOPE that 2017 has greater opportunities to offer to me. Happy New Year to myself perhaps? :)

Bye 2016!

If 2016 was a person and he would be asking you, "How was your year?", what would you say?

Well, 2016, this is for you.

You've been great to me by giving me blessings I never asked.

First, a person, who I can say, I could never meet another one like him. He was really a kind-hearted, selfless, one of a kind kid that you will feel truly blessed just having the chance to have a friend like him. I can't say that I was happy all throughout the time I am with him but I can't deny the fact that I had a great time just being with him. My year had really been full of silliness because of him, but I don't regret it. A crush that should never be. :)

Next, friendship. All my life, I struggle much on searching for the real meaning of friendship. I used to be a loner. I always feel out of place within a group. I tend to stay away when I feel like I can't relate to people anymore. Yet, you have been good to me. I realized that I have too much negativity in my mind that I neglect the care and concern that people give to me. I think too much of my pathetic self without realizing that people around me are affected too, and that they too are concerned, because they are my friends. I really didn't think that they love me, because I thought that I can never be loved the way a friend could. But here I am, believing in them, enjoying the time I get to have with them, trusting them, and feeling blessed to have them. :)

Next, strength, emotionally. Going through the several heartaches about love and friendship, such strength builds up inside me. I realized that not all people will be there for me. That I shouldn't beg for attention. That I shouldn't beg for importance. That I am also worthy of those things, and that people who see me as worthy for those will be there for me, even if I don't ask for it. That it's better if they show it unexpectedly than trying to make them do it. It sounded bitter, yeah, but it just helps on giving myself some respect. I worry too much of what people will think of me that I try to blend with them, and expecting them to appreciate me. Forgetting that I don't have to please everyone. It's only now that I really understand that fewer friends are better at least they are the REAL ones. Than too many friends, but you're just someone to them. If I tried my best to be a friend to them, but they don't seem to notice, maybe I have to step back and leave it. :)

Well, those are the good ones. Unfortunately, I have one, just one negative thing that maybe affected me so much in relation to what I just said. Faith. I lost faith in your year, 2016. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in people around me, faith in my family. I lost faith when it seems like I should be having it. I lost faith that God is there for me. I lost faith that I will find happiness this year. I lost faith that He hears my prayers. I lost faith that He's just giving me what I deserve. I'm too frustrated in Love, Friendship and Trust that I lost faith in Him. Maybe I'm just not a good Christian, that's why. I tried to. I just don't know what else is wrong. He said I should seek for Him with all my heart, I tried. All that's left are questions. Questions that are unanswered. Until now. They are still unanswered. Same questions. Still unanswered. I've been asking those questions for a long time. Not only for this year. I think almost every year. Yet there are no answers. It's really frustrating, isn't it?

Now, 2016, you're about to go. You left me memories that can never be taken away. I can say that I will end your year hopeless. Because I am, and will be, the same pessimistic person I've always been. Never finding the essence of real happiness in life. Still I thank you. Because I get to live in your year. I still got the chance to see how you will leave. I just wish that watching you leave is as easy as watching a person close to you leave. One thing I ask for, please ask 2017 to give me more hope and strength in his year. I may end his year the same as how I end yours, but I'm still hoping to find myself more in his year. I'm still hoping to find what will really make me happy. I'm still hoping for a better me. Funny isn't it? I lost faith, but I still have hope. :)

Welcome 2017!

Trust

One of the most delicate factor in a relationship is what we called "TRUST". It is something that someone should treasure, and when lost, it's something that you can never get back. But sometimes, you tend to give your trust to someone or some people who's not even asking it from you. You just freely give it away. Because you felt like it's something that you should do. Trust him. Trust them. Just trust that they will be there for you. Just trust that they will understand you. Just trust that somehow, they will also share part of their time, or of their life to you. Just trust that, they too, have the same affection that you show to them.

But what if, since they did not ask for it, they won't care about it? What if, it won't matter to them, whatever amount of trust you give them? It won't matter to them if you care for them. It won't matter to them if you see them as a friend?

Such indifference will then give you frustration and then later on, you will decide to act as if you also don't care about them. Later on, you will have some plans of acting the same indifference that they show you.

Then you will realize that you trusted too much. Too much that you have forgotten the difference of real friendship and just being nice to people. That's what trust do to some people.

Frustration

Frustration is like the one I am feeling right now. I planned for a simple party at our house, expecting some of my office mates to come. Or maybe just some of those I may call "real friends". Yet here they are, no one answers my messages. It's so frustrating to think that we can no longer be a whole group in our section. We are all different now. Yet all I can do is to act as if nothing's wrong, or that I don't care about it, or that it doesn't matter to me. Now, I felt like I lost my interest in them. Now I realized how few my real friends are. Now I realize more of who will be there for me. Now I realize that I won't have to believe in anything anyone will say. Coz they're just words. Empty words. I can never trust it. I should never believe in it.